i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
