I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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