Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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