She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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