My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
