my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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