Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
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