hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
