I think I died a long time ago.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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