I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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