dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
