i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
