tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
