i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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