You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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