There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Houston, we have a blender
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
