i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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