1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
