Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
