Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
