When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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