K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
