It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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