Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
