So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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