Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
