I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
