My friends, they love my intelligence
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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