Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
