capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
smell my finger.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
