remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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