I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
