we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
