i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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