I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
