I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
