we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
