mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
