I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
