i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
