Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
