mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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