We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
