Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
