You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
