Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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