Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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