I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
