Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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