Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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