To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
