Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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