2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
