He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize