I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
