Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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