I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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