im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
