Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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