Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
