i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
